The Truth Behind The Lens

Mark and I recently purchased a new laptop. Obviously, this isn't all that exciting as far as large purchases go. Right up there with a new washer and dryer - definitely makes life easier and more efficient, but isn't exactly the same rush as you get when you buy a house or a car (and, a much smaller investment, too).

The best part of the purchase for me came the first afternoon I played around with our new "toy". The minute I clicked through the folder labeled "VIDEOS"  and realized the horribly cumbersome files from our camcorder that would never convert and play on our old computer were now dancing across the screen. Wyatt at a year, Wyatt at 14 months, 18 months, his 2nd birthday, last Christmas. Wyatt a few weeks ago in the bathtub singing at the top of of his lungs. This was the first time I had actually gotten to watch the videos since filming and as any mother- I was brimming over with emotion and thankfulness that I had taken the time to capture these tiny and precious moments.

What struck me (beyond the reality of how much he has changed in a few brief years and the sweet singsong sound of his voice) as our interaction. Sometimes Mark would be filming the two of us-- me,completely unaware that the camera was even on- and at times I would be filming Wyatt, conversing over the lens of the camcorder. What filled me with joy was seeing the unbelievable exchange of love between a mother and her child. So often I think of myself as an impatient mom, constantly waiting on Wyatt to listen or to do whatever he is doing a little faster. I think of myself as lacking in softness or sanity or calmness. I am, I know, a self-proclaimed neat-freak, a creature of habit- a little too uptight for a four-year-old at times.

What I watched told a completely different story. There was a tenderness that is completely indescribable. There was laughter, playfulness and a solid understanding that this moment was indeed all that mattered. That this moment will never happen again. Nothing mattered but my son- not work, nor bills, committee meetings or church activities. The only thing that mattered is the precious time that the Lord granted me with my child, His child.

 So... all is not lost. Perception is not reality. While I may view myself as all of the above- the truth is, through God's grace, I am better at this mom-stuff than I give myself credit for. Don't get me wrong, I am as inpatient as the day is long, I get hung up in details and it doesn't take much to stress me out. However, the truth behind the lens shows me that this is not all that Wyatt sees in me and hopefully will not be what is conjured up when he thinks back to his childhood 20 years from now- and thank God for that.