Prayers, Please

There have been so many times in the past month that I have turned to update this blog, and simply have not had the energy. I am not going to lie- this month has been tough, tough, tough. It is difficult to record happy things and the many blessings I encounter each day, when so many around me are hurting.

Watching my husband grieve over the loss of a close friend, standing helpless as another friend fights for strength and courage as she wages her own battle with cancer, saying goodbye to a precious family as they embark on a new journey, and supporting family when pain hits them square on-- not exactly what I pictured when this year began.

We are taking the good with the bad. We are healthy, we are warm and safe. We have jobs, we have wonderful friends and wonderful family. The guilt seeps in when such precious people around me are suffering and there is absolutely nothing I can do- nothing but pray, and pray and pray.

In my mind, everything should stay the same. Fifty years from now, as an old woman, I picture my friends and I sharing laughs and tears as we do now. I picture the same friends- the same group, where no one leaves, no one gets sick and no one moves. It's not reality, but it's a reality that I have clung to the last four years. Post-college was a challenge, but once I found my groove, once I became a mom and the Lord blessed me with an incredible network of amazing women I knew it would rock my world to have to watch one of them wrestle great adversity, or struggle with infertility, or maneuver a minefield of disappointments.

Change is inevitable - I know that in my head, but it is hard to accept when it affects the heart. Our "golden group" may not, (and probably won't) remain the same into our golden years. What a difficult lesson to learn. It is teaching me to be grateful in the small things and to take each day as it comes.

So, friends... I am asking for prayers. Not for me, but for those around us. I am sure everyone knows someone who is hurting this season. Let's be a community that prays for each other. I truly believe that there is power in prayer. Although we may not be getting the response or the outscome that we see as best- I find great comfort in the knowledge that Jesus is Lord and everything is His to control.

Brian

Tonight sucked. I hate cancer, and I hate death and I hate seeing another mother in angst. Oh, but how much I loved Brian- we all did. My heart aches with a heaviness I haven't felt in a long, long time. My eyes are scratchy and my chest is tight.

I hurt for his family and for ours, I hurt for his other friends and for those of us who are left missing his bear hugs and his high fives... those of us who miss the sound of his feet through our kitchen at 4 a.m. as he leaves for another hunting trip with our husband. Those of us who want nothing more than to see him wrestling with a toddler in our living room, or share one more spaghetti dinner.

Life is just so damn short. I can't say it any other way. Tomorrow my husband will deliver a Eulogy and help carry a casket. Tomorrow has come way too quick. Hug a neck, say a prayer of thanks. I am so grateful for those I have, but we have no idea when this day will be my last, or his last... or hers. He was, quite simply, remarkable.

10 Years

I know from the comments I have been hearing all day that I am not alone in the disbelief that 10 years have passed since 9/11.

Some have welcomed the resurgence of video, interviews, audio files and previously untold stories.

I am among the ones who have avoided it as much as possible. Until Friday, I purposely changed the channel and the subject matter when I saw or heard anything relating to the horror and the panic that seeped into my dorm room on that September morning.

My heart still breaks for the thousands of lives lost, and the millions more who were forever changed. Like a stack of dominoes, we will never fully understand the ramifications of that day.

What few people know is that my father, a commercial airline pilot at the time, was working at the exact time the South tower was struck. He was in the air when the North Tower struck, still flying his 737 through the Midwest when we got word of the Pentagon, and then of United Flight 11. For five hours, thirty-seven minutes our family did not know if he was next. We sat silent, separated by state lines, frantically calling his employer, the FAA and each other. I wouldn't allow myself to think the worst, but my mind reeled. When we received word that every plane in the U.S. was being grounded, I took a breath. When he was able to find a working phone 17 hours later I cried. And cried. And cried.

My heart is still broken from that day. As the rest of the country, those images are still raw. I still teeter between intense pride and intense anger. I have no clue how one could process the events of that day as an unbeliever. I just don't. I thank God for this country. I thank Him for His divine plan- a plan we do not know. I thank Him for the heroes. I thank Him for everything that day has taught me, has taught us.

May we never forget...

Heavy Heart

Please continue to pray for those affected by the devastating tornadoes that ripped through the South yesterday. I am completely overwhelmed and saddened by all that I have seen and heard today.

Alabama was the worst hit, and the damage is completely unbelievable. The pictures and videos speak for themselves, but it is the images of our neighbors who literally have nothing left that are burned into my mind.

Out of these tragedies always come those unsung heroes- and there are plenty of them. I could never say enough about the doctors, nurses, aides, administrators and critical care transport teams I witnessed working countless hours who have gone above and beyond the call of duty. I pray that God would help me know where and when to serve others throughout the recovery- the needs are so overwhelming but I know that together we can be the light of Christ in the midst of great darkness.

I'm Back...

This has been a very tough week- I traveled to Atlanta to say good-bye to my best friend's father. His cancer was extremely sudden, and he passed just three short weeks after his diagnosis.

This goes back to the age-old question- "Why do bad things happen to such good people?"

We will never know the answer on this side of heaven... but, it hurts me so, so bad to see people reeling with grief.

My second close friend to lose a parent so young--- and it isn't any easier the second-go-round.

I thank you a million times over for all of your thoughts and prayers, what a blessing to know I have so many friends who think about me when I don't even realize it.

And... the good news is... I got to come home and celebrate my 28th birthday with my favorite boys in the whole wide world... and my precious extended family.

Here are some pictures from Sunday...

Hope you are having a great week!